My Muse

I don’t have a clear memory of the early days, weeks or months after my birth. I only know of those times from stories told to me by parents and relatives. There are pictures of course which stimulate the knitting of neurons to fabricate a memory that arrives years after the event.

However there is a fabric in my mind, a familiar pattern of life and companionship, laughter and caring, living and knowing that she is part of me, having been by her side from day one, or more specifically the morning after my parents made love together. She and I are twins. I’ve got a package, and she is capable of mothering children. It’s just the way things worked out.

As I mentioned, I have no clear memory of those days. All I do know is that when I am near her, I am happy. I find fun in our voices. I feel the need to make her laugh and perhaps she does too, feel something for me in that way.  I do not know for sure. We never did formulate that unique bond that people say is unique to twins.  At least I do not feel it in the sensationalized way people speak of.  I was a boy and she was a girl growing up in the sixties. I imagine our interests varied as they do.

She is quite capable of doing things, whatever she puts her mind to. She is kind and loving to her family and a multitude of pets. She extends herself beyond her means and has raised four children, but never lets on that it has been hard or impossible. We are similar in that way, where we do and do and find the strength.

I miss her.

I miss her.

I would hope for the day we could come together like twins do. Perhaps we are not made that way, to share and be open. I know I struggle with being myself, shy and inhibited for reasons I do not understand. Laughter; however, frees me and when I laugh and play, I feel her, and I look for her in those around me. I look to see her smile, her play, her quiet turning away as laughter consumes us and we must step away from the moment to breathe.

I miss her.

I miss her.

I feel now as I write this, I must have missed her from the very start, the very moment we stepped into the world together, forever apart into the unknown together and yet alone.

Different journeys, different lovers, different families and different lives.

She is however always on my mind and when someone makes me laugh, I so fondly recall the times, whether fabricated in my mind or the ones I actually do remember-

My twin, my muse, I miss her.

I cry.

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